Friday, August 13, 2010

Look closely at me, and you will see, the girl I am, isnt me

I've never felt like this before, atleast not that I remember. Sad. Alone. With my thoughts. I don't like this. But I'm not actualy alone. My dad, stepmom, sister, brother, friends, other family are all around. All the time. And I put on that smile that they all want to see when all I really want to do is sleep. Lie in my bed, and do nothing. Rest, I'm always tired. I'm always hungry but never eat. I've always got a headache, and God I wish I had advil! It's been like this for most of the summer. Someone asks me to hangout out, and most times I do, because I know I must be social, or lose my friends, but I'd really rather stay home, in pajamas, and lie in bed. Sleep, read.... not thnik. Thats why I like sleep, because you dont think when you sleep. Everything is good when you sleep. And than when you wake up your reminded of reality, and what life really is. But most times I go, hoping that maybe, they'll put a real smile on my face. Something that doesnt happen often.

Dont get me wrong. I loooove my friends and family to death! They're the best. But sometimes its too tiring to have to go and keep that smile on for that long. Very rarely I find a read smile on my face, And when I do, I smile more because I'm happy, for that moment I am genuinely happy. Its usually with my friends, or my brother. Hes gonna be an amazing kid. If he's not waking me up when Im sleeping, which is often:(, than he brightens up the hour! Hes just adorable(LLLL))))) 

I guess it's just hard when you realize you've just stopped giving a shit about things. I just want it to be easy again.

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