Tuesday, November 2, 2010


lie in bed. sleep. work. study. school. life. bored. friends? self centered. family? oblivious. life? a joke. fun? happiness? smiling because your happy, not for a show? havent in tiiiiimme.

Happiness. Not momentary happiness. Real happiness. Life long joy. Why is it so difficult to find, to enjoy, to keep. You think you've found it, until all of a sudden it slips through the cracks, again.

Its bad to underestimate the power your eniornment, the people around you and your attitude have on your life. On your happiness. On your mental health.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Dont critisize what you dont understand...

Hatred is a strong word. Its not really a hatred for a specific person, because I dont hate them, far from it actually! And its not a hatred for the things they, or anyone else for that matter, do. Its more a hatred at life. That my life has taken this path... Why? I dont understand and everyone seems to think if I stick it out Ill be fine. But they dont understand how hard it is.

Something I do hate is when someone acts like they understand when they dont. Dont try to get it. Dont act the part so Ill tell you more things, or so that Ill listen to you because 'you know best'. No. Ill just look at how pathetic you are, and end our conversation. Ill avoid all conversations with you about this, me, life, hate, because I dont want to hear what you have to say. At all. You make me even more angry than I already am. Please just stop.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much

But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us...

The need, the want, makes me wonder how I came to this point without even trying. But happiness. Thats all I want. And that's what I'm determined to get. Im exhausted. No person can give me the feeling I want, need. Its something I need to do myself. In time. But how much time? Until its too late. And the concequences? Worth it.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn

Sometimes we have to make choices that will change the course of our lives. Whether that be which form of transportation, bus of taxi, which job offer to take, or whether to beleive your boyfriend when they say they didnt cheat, they all change our lives. Either in a small, or large way. When we face those decisions, its like a moment in time stops. We sit. We decide. And than we act. But what happens when the decision takes more thought, more energy, and it hurts to think of the pros and cons. I want this, but not that, I get this, but lose that! Its hard, and the time it takes for us to decide feels like it isnt moving, as if your stairing at the seconds and time wont pass, as if the minute wont change until we decide! When I felt that, I just wanted to sleep, and hope that when I wake up the decision will be made and I wont be faced with this burden. But life isn't that easy, sadly. Im indecisive, I change my mind like a streetlight changes colors. Green, than yellow, than red, than green again! It never just stays red! WHY! I wish someone else could just make some decisions for me! But I guess I'd find away to argue those decisions. I guess this is called growing up. Its my life, and what I decide Im going have to start living with.

So Ive made the decision, have you? Make one, right now, and stick to it. Dont change it, Dont decide it was a crazy spure of the moment thought and back out, just do it. Now all that is left to do is hope that it is the right path, and keep on trucking.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Look closely at me, and you will see, the girl I am, isnt me

I've never felt like this before, atleast not that I remember. Sad. Alone. With my thoughts. I don't like this. But I'm not actualy alone. My dad, stepmom, sister, brother, friends, other family are all around. All the time. And I put on that smile that they all want to see when all I really want to do is sleep. Lie in my bed, and do nothing. Rest, I'm always tired. I'm always hungry but never eat. I've always got a headache, and God I wish I had advil! It's been like this for most of the summer. Someone asks me to hangout out, and most times I do, because I know I must be social, or lose my friends, but I'd really rather stay home, in pajamas, and lie in bed. Sleep, read.... not thnik. Thats why I like sleep, because you dont think when you sleep. Everything is good when you sleep. And than when you wake up your reminded of reality, and what life really is. But most times I go, hoping that maybe, they'll put a real smile on my face. Something that doesnt happen often.

Dont get me wrong. I loooove my friends and family to death! They're the best. But sometimes its too tiring to have to go and keep that smile on for that long. Very rarely I find a read smile on my face, And when I do, I smile more because I'm happy, for that moment I am genuinely happy. Its usually with my friends, or my brother. Hes gonna be an amazing kid. If he's not waking me up when Im sleeping, which is often:(, than he brightens up the hour! Hes just adorable(LLLL))))) 

I guess it's just hard when you realize you've just stopped giving a shit about things. I just want it to be easy again.

Saturday, July 31, 2010

"I just don't get hungry!"

Why do we eat?

Some eat because they need to to survive.
Some eat because they love the taste, the texture, the feeling they get when they are full.
And some... just avoid eating as much as possible.

I guess I understand not eating, otherwise known as anorexia. But throwing up after you actually do eat? You'd think that if they care about their appearance so much as to not eat, that they'd care about their organs failing, or their teeth rotting from the acid aswell.

Eating disorders get the best of us. We become so fixated on our appearance and every inch of 'fat' on our bodies, that the layer of skin becomes 'fat' in our eyes. "Research indicates that exposure to images of thin, young, air-brushed female bodies is linked to depression, loss of self-esteem and the development of unhealthy eating habits in women and girls." All of us know atleast one person, if not being us, that want to lose weight. It a large problem throughout the world. Diets that don't even work, workout videos that we eventually just pack away in a box, sometimes not even opening them, and 'healthy foods' that we buy and most times winde up in the garbage next week. We all spend sooo much money on this so called 'problem'. The news makes a big deal about obeisity, but what about anorexia and bullemia?! What about those that don't eat, or throw up their lunch because they feel guilty, or depressed, or fat!? The media is what started the problem. "Don't make a monster, if your gonna whyne about it scaring the s**t out of you later".

Eating diorders are mental illness' often with life threatening physical consequences later on. An estimated 1 in 3 of all dieters develop compulsive dieting attitudes and behaviors. Studies show that a concern of becoming fat starts as early as 7 years old... SEVEN!? Not many people know that anorexia has a higher mortality rate than some cancers! Those with anorexia have a 10% chance of death within 10 years. Between the ages of 15-25 is where the problem truly lies. It is estimated that 5-10% of girls and women suffer from an eating disorder. A common estimation suggest that as many as 10-15 per cent of eating disorders are fatal for those affected. The statistics show that many disorders are not treated because those with the illness either deny it (ALWAYS), or have become very good at camoflauging the symptoms.

Barbie tends to be a goal in so many girls and womens eyes. Do they not know that Barbie's estimates have put her life-size bust between 38 and 40 inches, her waist at 18-24 inches, and her height between five and a half and seven feet, with a weight of 110 pounds. THAT.IS.NOT.POSSIBLE. With those sizes, a human would have to walk on all fours! So many eating disorders and other problems have resulted from Barbies proportions, that Mattel is actually remodelling Barbie all together!

Anorexia, Bulimia, Binge eating, and all the other eating disorders are not a problem with food, but rather a mental disorder. It is not their fault they have this disease, just like it is not cancer patients' faults they have cancer! But it is so important that if you know someone who has it, to speak up. To talk to them, and those who care about the person, and get them help a.s.a.p! Before it's too late. Do not let them tell you no.

Bulimia and Self-Help Line:
Referalls for Eating Disorder Specialists (Canada and US):

Thursday, July 29, 2010

The hardest thing to do is watch the one you love, love someone else

Love is a dangerous rollercoaster. The Prince loves the Princess, but she doesn't love him. She needs space, but he crowds her. Outsiders see that they'd probably be great together. Beautiful girl meets sensitive guy. Sounds like it would be "lived happily ever after"... But instead we have "but I'm going to be one of them at graduation, I'm sorry Jacob" situations.

He literally poured his heart into rhymes for this Princess he cares so much about and she said no. Although she is amazing, gorgeous, and super sweet! One can't help but wonder why she can't just give the Prince a chance! After everything he has done, just one dance in the moonlight. Thats all he wants.

And one day. the Prince will hear news of the Princess being married, and he will hurt. He will cry. He will be in depression. But atleast she is happy. Thats all he's ever wanted...

If you don't follow your dreams, who will?

Dont let ANYONE tell you "you will be _______!"

You decide who you are, who you want to be, what you will do with YOUR life! We all have dreams, and only some of us actually have the determination and courage it takes to persue them. This world is a scary place, and not everything seems realistic, but nothing is impossible! If you want to be a photographer... persue photography. If you want to be an astronaut... be one. If you want to be a Disney character at Disney World... GO THERE & TRY! Some people find it acceptable to tell you what they should, can, shouldn't, can't, do. Thats wrong, this is right, theres no money in that industry, be a doctor. But what if we dont want to be a doctor?

Do what you want to do, bottom line. No matter what it relates to, you decide your future. You have a dream, and if you want it bad enough, you can have it. If you don't try, it'll never happen.

Certainly Am Not Trying
Take CANT out of your vocabulary:)

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

It's sad when peolpe you know, become people you knew....

The people that were in our lives, shaped our lives, showed us what life is, what if they weren't around anymore? What if one day they no longer present in our lives, either because of their choice, or ours? How does one continue day to day work and activities knowing that out there that person is still living, breathing, and your not around to witness their miracle of life? How does one live without wondering every other minute what that person is doing, if they laugh the same as when you were around, if they sleep without tossing and turning like you do, if everytime the phone rings deep down they hope it is you...

I guess we all have someone that we thought would be in our lives forever, but isn't anymore. A friend, family member, spouse, child.... whoever it may be. I guess the key is to keep your head high, and rememberm that although you are not apart of eachother lives anymore, love is always there, it doesn't go away.

It's sad when people you know, become people you knew, when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life, how you used to be able to talk for hours and now you can barely even look at them. It's sad how times change...

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Its easy to fall in love. The hard part is finding someone to catch you

The way he looks at her. The way he holds her. They way he goes where she is just to talk. He cares. He shows it. Others dont. She doesnt see that. Or atleast decides to block it out. She chooses those who care least. No one knows why. She cant describe it to those who ask. It is what it is. He looks into her eyes when she talks to him. He voices his opinions in her life decisions. She likes that. She loves that. She cant get him out of her mind. Yet she continues to talk to the one who doesnt care. As much atleast. He says he cares, but wouldn't he show it? Boys, Guys, Men, more confusing than girls I find. But things are the way they are. The girl will hopefully one day pick the right one. Hopefully one day decide to open her eyes to see who cares, who shows it. One day, she'll be truly happy.