Dont critisize what you dont understand...

Hatred is a strong word. Its not really a hatred for a specific person, because I dont hate them, far from it actually! And its not a hatred for the things they, or anyone else for that matter, do. Its more a hatred at life. That my life has taken this path... Why? I dont understand and everyone seems to think if I stick it out Ill be fine. But they dont understand how hard it is.

Something I do hate is when someone acts like they understand when they dont. Dont try to get it. Dont act the part so Ill tell you more things, or so that Ill listen to you because 'you know best'. No. Ill just look at how pathetic you are, and end our conversation. Ill avoid all conversations with you about this, me, life, hate, because I dont want to hear what you have to say. At all. You make me even more angry than I already am. Please just stop.

We touch, I feel a rush, we clutch, it isn't much

But it's enough to make me wonder what's in store for us...

The need, the want, makes me wonder how I came to this point without even trying. But happiness. Thats all I want. And that's what I'm determined to get. Im exhausted. No person can give me the feeling I want, need. Its something I need to do myself. In time. But how much time? Until its too late. And the concequences? Worth it.

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn

Sometimes we have to make choices that will change the course of our lives. Whether that be which form of transportation, bus of taxi, which job offer to take, or whether to beleive your boyfriend when they say they didnt cheat, they all change our lives. Either in a small, or large way. When we face those decisions, its like a moment in time stops. We sit. We decide. And than we act. But what happens when the decision takes more thought, more energy, and it hurts to think of the pros and cons. I want this, but not that, I get this, but lose that! Its hard, and the time it takes for us to decide feels like it isnt moving, as if your stairing at the seconds and time wont pass, as if the minute wont change until we decide! When I felt that, I just wanted to sleep, and hope that when I wake up the decision will be made and I wont be faced with this burden. But life isn't that easy, sadly. Im indecisive, I change my mind like a streetlight changes colors. Green, than yellow, than red, than green again! It never just stays red! WHY! I wish someone else could just make some decisions for me! But I guess I'd find away to argue those decisions. I guess this is called growing up. Its my life, and what I decide Im going have to start living with.

So Ive made the decision, have you? Make one, right now, and stick to it. Dont change it, Dont decide it was a crazy spure of the moment thought and back out, just do it. Now all that is left to do is hope that it is the right path, and keep on trucking.

Look closely at me, and you will see, the girl I am, isnt me

I've never felt like this before, atleast not that I remember. Sad. Alone. With my thoughts. I don't like this. But I'm not actualy alone. My dad, stepmom, sister, brother, friends, other family are all around. All the time. And I put on that smile that they all want to see when all I really want to do is sleep. Lie in my bed, and do nothing. Rest, I'm always tired. I'm always hungry but never eat. I've always got a headache, and God I wish I had advil! It's been like this for most of the summer. Someone asks me to hangout out, and most times I do, because I know I must be social, or lose my friends, but I'd really rather stay home, in pajamas, and lie in bed. Sleep, read.... not thnik. Thats why I like sleep, because you dont think when you sleep. Everything is good when you sleep. And than when you wake up your reminded of reality, and what life really is. But most times I go, hoping that maybe, they'll put a real smile on my face. Something that doesnt happen often.

Dont get me wrong. I loooove my friends and family to death! They're the best. But sometimes its too tiring to have to go and keep that smile on for that long. Very rarely I find a read smile on my face, And when I do, I smile more because I'm happy, for that moment I am genuinely happy. Its usually with my friends, or my brother. Hes gonna be an amazing kid. If he's not waking me up when Im sleeping, which is often:(, than he brightens up the hour! Hes just adorable(LLLL))))) 

I guess it's just hard when you realize you've just stopped giving a shit about things. I just want it to be easy again.